I don’t usually like to do things that could be considered “a step in the right direction” at the beginning of the year because I don’t want people to get the impression that I’m the kind of person who resolves to better myself. Nah, I plan to be terrible for a long, long time to come.
Still, I couldn’t help taking advantage of the opportunity to challenge myself with a three-day juice cleanse. And I did it, with the help of Pressed Juicery, who delivered the 18 requisite beverages (six per day) that comprise “Cleanse #2” to my doorstep at 4 a.m.
So, I drank my juices throughout the day as instructed. But I was hungry. Real hungry. And I did not feel energized, nor did I “glow.” And I’m sure I’ve since erased any progress I made “resetting” my body with all the Wingstop I’ve eaten since the cleansing ended. I guess some people are not cut out for that cleansing life.
I do, however, feel like I relate more to my fellow Angelenos since the completion of my juice cleanse. I feel more susceptible to Scientology and quinoa salad, too. Maybe I’ll try another cleanse in the future when I’m more mentally prepared to stock up on kale and organic guacamole afterwards. Anything could happen. 2015 is full of possibilities.
Greens 2: kale, spinach, romaine, parsley, cucumber, celery, apple, lemon
The first juice of the day is your standard green juice. This is what juicing is all about. It definitely tastes like it’s healthy — that is to say, it’s not super delicious, but it’s not bad. After a day or two, it begins to taste like you’ve been weeding the garden face-first. Make of that what you will.
Citrus 2: apple, lemon, pineapple, mint
I really expected this to be more delicious than it is. “Citrus” sounds tasty, the ingredients are all appealing, and the color of this juice is one of the most attractive. But the apple and mint are the most overpowering flavors in this one. It’s not the best.
Greens 3: kale, spinach, romaine, parsley, cucumber, celery, apple, lemon, ginger
They didn’t actually give me any of these! Instead, they sent me duplicates of the Greens 2, which is fine because the only difference is that Greens 3 is supposed to contain ginger. And who needs ginger? Nah, not me.
Roots 3: apple, lemon, beet, ginger
I had high hopes for this because I feel like red juices are usually delightful. Clearly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Roots 3 tastes like garbage. This is probably the roughest juice of the day. All beet with the distinctive, overwhelming zing of ginger in your face. It’s a chore to swallow. Do not recommend.
Lemon H2O: lemon, cayenne, filtered water
I expected this lemon water to taste more like lemonade. So naïve. It tastes like spicy, lemon garbage. I just had to close my eyes and drink it quickly, praying that it was actually doing something beneficial for my body. Supposedly, it preps your digestive tract for absorption. But it’s so awful, y’all.
Vanilla almond: filtered water, almond, dates, vanilla bean, sea salt
Well, I think this is the only juice that was genuinely enjoyable for me. I so looked forward to it at the end of each increasingly difficult day of the cleanse. That’s because it tastes like a milkshake and provides protein and healthy fats. My kinda drink. It’s more filling and satisfying than the other juices. Would definitely drink again.